What do you deem as standard? Normal? Not totally off the wall crazy. I suppose I do not mind the idea of being crazy because well, lets face it; some of us are just better at hiding it than others.
I just recently decided to quit smoking cigarettes. After 7 years or so of smoking. It has brought me to deal with a lot real things. I can't just nicotine numb it all away. It has caused me to realize a huge number of things about myself. Or at least question them.
I've noticed that I am far more impatient and anxiety ridden than I realized. And how do you know what the normal amount is? When do you start questioning? I can't sit still, I never could. I've been the figity kinda gal since a very young age. My brain is like google and bing running together at the speed of light. I want to soak in the world. I want all of the answers. I literally want absolutely everything. I want to see the world and visit every single wonderful city imaginable. I want to try the craziest and most scary things. I want to drink all of the coffee and forget about all of the sleep.
A number of these things, I have been blaming them on my upbringing. Well, ya know I am the youngest of seven kids and that can make you want to grow up really darn fast.
But the truth is, I've officially let these habits and feelings consume me. A few years ago, I could have told you a way around them. They were not so terribly bad. But this year? This year I am at a loss for it all. My whole world is changing both good and bad and I am still over here completely freaking out.
I'm great at smiling and laughing through the confusion, anxiety, and stress but I am literally a total hot mess. And at this point, the women I'm used to talking to are all busy adulting. So, although he does not mind, I'm either freaking out by mysef or weighting my boyfriend with all of my feelings and thoughts. It's just to that point where this cannot be fair to him. This cannot be fair to myself.
Why am I stuck thinking about all of these horrible things? Why am I scared every single day that something terrible is going to happen or that we may recieve some bad news? I know that Ive always been a bit of a worrier. My naivity left me at a young age and let me tell ya, ignorance is bliss. Except when it pained me to find out the truth. The truth that this world is scary as hell. There is pain everywhere. And I cannot save the world. I cannot rid this world of horrible rapists and murderers. I cannot put on Wonder Womans cape and scoop up all the innocent people. (I mean I can, I totally have the cape, but not those coool supr powers...maybe in another life)
What do you do when you're in your late twenties (or any age for that matter) And you cannot seem to put your finger on the answers. When you realize you're far more alone in this adventure of life than anything else. We grow up and oue friends build families and local relationships while you only dream of your own adventures, families, and friends.
This sounds so terribly victimized. It sounds like my life is not wonderful, but it is. It is just getting my mind to focus on it. Getting my heart to stop hurting for no reason. Shutting off my brain when it's going over the effects of diseases over and over and over. My boyfriend was disgnosed with SLE about a year ago. Ever since that day, I'm living in fear of the absolute worst. I'm googling to better equipped myself of things that happen. I want to understand, support, and help in anyway that I can. But, I'm just scared. Every single day I am scared. I want our future now because we may never live to see them.
They tell me I'm impatient. That I need'nt worry and to have hope and faith. But, I see no other way than to do everything every day. Living ad though it is our last. They call me anxious and immature. I need more hope.
I see no other way
So again I ask... what the hell is normal?
